Author: R.U. Bored
So. . . what if your happily-ever-after isn’t? Your marriage, or civil union, or cohabitation smacks more of poisoned apples than magic, life-giving kisses. But you can’t, or choose not to, leave the castle. Your current version of the fairy tale is that your white-picket-fence fantasy has become a chain link reality that you don’t much like.
While most couples show some abuse and neglect, I’m not speaking of relationships that are fundamentally abusive, and always have been. I’m talking about unions that begin in love, with best intentions, then weaken or deteriorate, over time, until they are deeply diminished or essentially dead.
The reasons for the demise of a relationship can be as complex, variable, and valid for each individual in them as the reasons why they both stay after it’s over. I’m not going into any of that. I’m here because I suspect that many of you, like me, have come to know, whether suddenly or slowly, that you can hardly stand to be in the same room any more with the one who used to be the home of your heart.
Maybe it’s not that bad for you. Maybe it’s worse. In any case, it sure isn’t what we thought it would be, is it? Wherever we live on the bell curve of alienated relationships, the questions are perplexing. What do we do, now that Cinderella’s once gleaming slippers have long since given us blisters? Is there a healing balm? How do we cope? And what about new shoes?
I can only tell you what’s worked for me. My first step was acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Or is that three steps? Either way, taking a good, long look at your situation and seeing it as it really is, not as you want it to be, or hope it will be, is essential. Try, for a while, to step back and look at your life as if it’s someone else’s. What kind of movie is this? Most likely, not a romantic comedy.
Shifts in perception are usually gradual, as intrusive realities keep bumping up against wishful thinking and romantic illusions. For example, I always thought the forgetful husband was a stereotype only created as fodder for comedy, or drama – until the time my husband forgot our wedding anniversary. Ouch! That hurt. It took me a long time to realize that what was going on in my life each day didn’t match the pretty pictures I had in my head.
Much of this awakening is about accepting your partner – as is. Not as you expected or desire, but what is actually happening? Observe, as objectively as possible, what they do and say, or don’t do and say, also noticing your own internal responses, but not reacting outwardly. Get out your imaginary movie camera and focus on whozit. What is this person’s script?
Remember – no rewriting, editing or directing. And be open to the possibility of some interesting surprises. Part of acceptance is acknowledging the positive, the history, the effort, the limitations involved. He may be an oaf most of the time, but he feeds the cat and takes out the garbage. She might be frigid but she’s a mean cook. He won’t dance with you, but only because he can’t; he’s got no sense of rhythm. And she surprised you with that expensive gizmo you wanted for your car ten years ago, didn’t she? Count the good stuff. Try to remember whatever happiness you’ve had together.
Honor what you can in the other as you honor yourself. Try your best to love yourself and any children you have more than you hate whatever your spouse has done, or continues to do, that drives you mad. No matter how annoying, nasty, ignorant or malicious that son of a bitch, or bitch, is, hold on to the concept that berating or degrading someone else, in the end, only demeans the demeaner. Don’t you do it.
In the thick of things it’s a real test of integrity to keep your composure, maintain balance, and know when to simply say nothing and walk away. But, if you can, save the rage for later, to vent to a journal or friend. In the moment try repeating an affirmation to yourself, like, “With each challenge I am stronger and wiser.”
I cried a lot along the way. You, too? It’s painfully disappointing when we are not loved as we would like to be, or when we are locked out from loving those we most want to be close to. Opening our hearts, trusting, giving of ourselves, especially repeatedly, makes us vulnerable and it hurts each time we are misunderstood, ignored or forgotten. Each little incident, or big blow-up, is another injury. In turns, and at once, we feel sad, angry, conflicted, frustrated, confused – not just about the past, but because losses are ongoing, with less and less chance of mutual happiness as time passes. There can be an overwhelming sense of futility and failure. It’s crazy-making, lonely and isolating, especially with no one to validate our view. It’s the old “behind closed doors” syndrome. No one can ever know the whole of another’s experience.
In your suffering, remember – grief is a necessary and important part of this growth process. Dreams die hard. The pain is real. Let yourself feel whatever emotions come up, without judgment, and find healthy expression for them. The trick is to allow feelings and admit losses without getting lost in them.
In the midst of my deepest grieving, admitting my part in the situation, helped me get out of victim mode. Admitting your part is not about fault or blame. It’s describing yourself and your behavior as if you are a character in a play that’s being written as you live it. It’s asking, “What is my role in this? My motivation? How did I get to this point? How might my actions move the plot? Affect other characters?” It’s an amusing way to sort things out that, ironically, can bring both a sense of detachment and admission of responsibility. It kindles self-awareness and gives us grist for our own new script.
I suffered much under the delusion that if only I could “fix” what was “wrong” with me, my marriage would be happy. I thought I had to be perfect to deserve love. I spent a huge amount of energy, and a small fortune, on self-improvement only to discover that my “better” was the “or worse” of the marriage.
It’s been a long, hard lesson for me that you can’t change someone else – only yourself. If you’ve made every effort to communicate, adapt, resolve issues and revitalize the relationship, without reciprocation, what it comes to at last is that you are but part of partners, and you can’t make it better alone. This realization was, for me, both devastating and a great relief.
I remember so well the day I realized that I couldn’t possibly be the cause of everything that was wrong in my marriage. It came down to the math of it. I asked myself, “If there are two people in a relationship, any relationship, good or bad, what are the chances that all the outcomes of it are the result of one or the other’s input?” The clear answer was, “Zero.”
One thing I’ve learned for certain, the most valuable lesson of my going on thirty-five years of “coupledom”, is this – you can’t have a relationship with someone who will not, or cannot, have a relationship with you. A simple, basic truth if I’ve ever seen one. I know this from years and years of knocking, pounding, hammering, and banging my head bloody against a locked door – the door to my husband’s heart. Not that he doesn’t love at all, but the deeper levels of intimacy I crave are just not there to share.
Loving another person more than they love themselves, more than they can accept, is just not possible. It’s like pouring more liquid into a cup already full; it just overflows. You can only love someone to their capacity for love. Only by expanding can the human vessel hold more. And people, unlike plants, can’t be forced to grow. Ultimately this outlook begs the crushing question, “If nothing ever changes, here, how do I want to live the rest of my life?”
In all of this there is constant, ongoing reassessment. In each phase of it I think it’s vitally important to be as honest as possible, as changing circumstances allow, not only with yourself, but with your other and those you trust around you. With family and friends, or even people you just met, trust yourself to know who to tell, how much, and when. With discretion, I believe we can protect our privacy without hiding or denying reality.
It’s a fact – we’re herd animals. It’s our nature to find nurture and comfort in each other. Especially when our once primary relationship is so significantly diminished, we need to develop new connections in community. We need to find and reach out to worthy people to build a strong social network. Now, more than ever, it’s important to be actively engaged in life.
I see plenty of evidence, these days, that society isn’t as couple-oriented as it used to be. I’m outspoken about my lifestyle. One response I often get when I mention it is, “Me, too!” I get many acknowledgments that, “A lot more people live like that than we know of.” There are lots of us married singles around. Maybe we’re even a majority. So let’s just go have fun.
Pursue whatever you fancy with people of like mind. Find kindred spirits. Take a computer class, or watercolor, or belly dancing. Learn new skills. Join the local photo club or curling club. Volunteer at a church, school, or garden. Learn to lead a rich, satisfying life as an individual. Feel whole as a person, alone or in groups. Enjoy your own company as much as the company of others. As much as possible, find ways to do what you’ve always wanted to do and go where you’ve always wanted to go. With, or without, a partner, you have a life. Live it! What has helped me the most to survive and thrive in a long-dying, and long dead, marriage is simply that I made up my mind to do it. This determined attitude began way back when I was a kid. Growing up, I could see how many people around me had eaten themselves up with negative thoughts and emotions. They were going through the motions of life but not really alive.
I decided, in my youthful wisdom, to never let myself get like that. I promised myself that I would be different. Not only would I handle whatever challenges life sent me, but I would do it without bitterness. To me, this is the ultimate victory, keeping my mind and my heart ever open, not letting the hardships of life turn me into a crusty old curmudgeon. Not to discount or make fun of anyone’s troubles, but with candor and humor we can gracefully turn bad situations into situation comedy. In making light of difficulties and laughing at the ironies of our lives we can create learning opportunities from the worst of circumstances.
It is in real life breakthroughs – other people’s and my own, that I still find strength to go on in my less than blissful partnership. In the darkest, lowest, loneliest times we all need to seek refuge in insights and reminders that uplift us. Sometimes they come in wonderful, unexpected ways. Friends, old and new, books, movies, paintings, poems, quotes give us comfort and support. Sometimes nothing helps until time forces us forward, to find our way once more.
For me, the key to finding peace in any situation is this – if you believe you can overcome, you will. And joyfully, if that’s what you decide. The greatest victory is in the joy of it. The best revenge is happiness. So let’s be happy. Honor what you can in the other as you honor yourself. Try your best to love yourself and any children you have more than you hate whatever your spouse has done, or continues to do, that drives you mad. No matter how annoying, nasty, ignorant or malicious that son of a bitch, or bitch, is, hold on to the concept that berating or degrading someone else, in the end, only demeans the demeaner. Don’t you do it.
I remember so well the day I realized that I couldn’t possibly be the cause of everything that was wrong in my marriage. It came down to the math of it. I asked myself, “If there are two people in a relationship, any relationship, good or bad, what are the chances that all the outcomes of it are the result of one or the other’s input?” The clear answer was, “Zero.”